What if a stranger asked you, “Who are you and what part of you did you loose to be you? Would you know what they were talking about? What would you say? What would your answer be?
The graduate that got the best seat on the Senate floor. The clown in the back of the room now President of his own multi million dollar company? The jock now hooked on drugs and supporting four kids. The cheer leader that came down with Parkinson’s Disease and lives on charity? The girl everyone called a “Geek” who is now a top scientist at Boeing?
Who do you think you are? What did you want to become? What did it cost you to get where you are today?
Oh I don’t mean monetarily. That would be too easy an answer. No, no, no. I want you to take a long time and really think about what these questions mean. Dig deep inside you. Look in all the dark corners of your heart and mind. Cry, weep, jump for joy, stamp your feet in rage, overflow with love and pull You out of the box.
What did it cost You to be who you are today? What price did You pay in your heart, mind, body and soul to step into the roll you play today? What did you give up of You? Not money, not places, not show and tell. That’s not permanent. I mean the You, inside You.
Where are You today? The who You wanted to be; singer, dancer, musician, artist, landscape architect, free lance journalist, tour guide, traveler, all curled up reading in silence, at peace. What happened? What did you loose of You to get here?
We all give up something of ourselves with every relationship we join in to, whether it be family, friends, co workers, acquaintances or just passing strangers. We compromise our personalities, our integrity, our principles, our dreams, our self esteem, ourselves, in order to fit into the situation, the mold. To fit in the box.
Maybe at first we jump back out of those boxes and back into being Ourselves. But if we visit the same type of boxes often enough, we have to give something of us away to stay there. Otherwise we don’t fit in the box with the others and we’ll feel alienated, unwanted. We have to feel wanted to belong. It’s supposed to be that way. It’s human.
We may even try on several different kinds of boxes giving something of Us away to each box in order to belong. You like bicycling because it gives you freedom and silence to think, but Box One doesn’t like that idea at all. So you give up bicycling in Box One, even though you gain weight and feel confined, contained.
Box Two likes to bowl and you don’t because you think it’s a boring and mindless game. Your new girlfriend likes to bowl though. So you start bowling in order to fit in while continually stuffing the feeling down inside of how dumb and boring a game it is. How do You handle that emotion? What happened to the time to do what You liked to do? Why did you give You away?
Box Three goes to plays and concerts twice a month, but you don’t have that kind of budget. You pretend you can afford it by secretly over extending your credit cards, thus going into debt in order to keep up with Box Three. Your fiances parents are in Box three. You haven’t told your fiance either. Why? What are you missing of You that makes this disastrous step necessary?
And so it goes on and on until you fit in to so many different boxes that You no longer have any time at all to bicycle and you’re gaining lots of weight. You drink like a fish because you hate bowling. You also don’t know how you’re going to pay the rent this month because of all the overdrafts and credit card bills from going to all of the plays and concerts.
Who have you become? Where are You? What did you loose of You to get here? Can you find You again? Oh the questions to ponder on these few questions.
These are the questions I’m sorting through me to answer about myself now. I’m just as confused as you are where I went in order to get here. I thought I had accomplished my healing quite successfully and smuggley confirmed that to myself. Of course, I knew I had more to learn. We always do.
But nothing prepared me for 180 degree turn back to the beginning. Yet that is where I feel I am; I need to be. There is no other place to find the answers I’m seeking inside me and in my life today.
I slammed to a halt last month, June 2019. I canceled my website, dismembered my known structure of my business, and I feel freer than I have in years. I still do have my business, my existing clients and I see new clients, but I’m different now. Freer inside somehow.
Over the last couple of years I had been feeling artificial, inauthentic, even a phony to myself. Yes I can do what my website and business cards say. I have the training, the skills, the experience and I’m good at what I do. I have lots of positive results to show for my efforts. I just didn’t include Me in there.
It’s hard to explain to most people. My friends get it. That’s all that counts really. I’m hoping you’ll get it for you too.
I had the appropriately prescribed and worded website me. Of course, the right combination of social media me. The semi perfect fit in the Business Box me. But I wasn’t there. Not the me of who I am.
My soul was dying, I was dying inside, I was hollow. My feet dragged when I walked, my enthusiasm waned at doing marketing and my heart was sad. I couldn’t, didn’t, speak of who I really was, what my true skills really were, how it all worked together for better health. I made it fit in the Right Business Box so I could be recognized among others doing the same work.
I didn’t talk about the shamanic parts of me, the Sekhem parts of me, the Medicine Wheel part of me. I wasn’t real. Ten years ago Reiki is the only thing that stuck out in people’s mind and that was the appropriate thing to market to get business. That is all wonderful.
My friends have been encouraging me for years to talk about the other parts of me, but when I did it was like people went blank. They had no idea what I was talking about. So to fit in the box I didn’t try to explain. I quit talking about that part of me.
The Right Business Box never worked for me. I was never able to get a steady business going. It has never grown. Competition is not my way. My heart works differently, I believe differently. So I chose, “Whoever needs me, will find me.”
But I didn’t let go of the Right Business Box me that says, “You have to write this way, and do this this way and do that that way.”, because that’s they way it’s done if you want clients and success.
I forgot the part I had been told by psychic readers everywhere starting 25 years ago until I left Cincinnati eighteen yrs ago. “You’re work is different and you will have to find your own way. You will not be the healer that has multiple clients a day 5 days a week. You may have to find your own way to make money because you won’t fit in the traditional way.”
Ten years after healing my brain injury and heart attack Reiki and healing were all I knew. I had just lived it by healing myself for 10 years straight. My earlier training starting in 1995 was the beginning of an incredible healing and learning experience for me when I could find no medical help after my brain injury and heart attack in early 2002. I wanted to share my knowledge and abilities with clients and through teaching. I had multiple trials and errors along that journey to remind me of what I learned.
What I created was what others expected to be created. Not who I am. I tried, in words and ideas and I have taught an incredible number of people whose lives have been touched by the information. And I am grateful to them, to my friends, to all my clients and all those I have learned from for decades. We are all each others teachers, we are one.
I played the game long enough though. Now I am finding Me now.
This is what I leave You with. May you find You.
PEACE & BLESSINGS